Reply on Complaint from Father to Mother

juli 15, 2019 0 Af admin

Re : Email dated 30 July 2017

Dear {Mum},

Thanks for the response to my initial mail.

As I stated in my first letter, I was acceptant that in the early days the children would be angry with me over what I did to cause our split. However, at no time have I been not wanting to see them and I have become increasingly discontented with the lack of access afforded to me.


Initially the børnebidrag was composed of 3 elements :-

  • Normal bidrag
  • Extra bidrag for private school fees
  • 1000 kr extra for trips such as {1st daughter}’s USA trip

I agree with your initial assessment that the 1000 kr stops on 1st September. This was what we agreed last year.

However, I am no longer in a position to justify the additional school fees element. Making the sacrifice to pay this monthly felt worthwhile initially, but my financial position means I am no longer in a position to pay it.

Proposal : I will continue to pay the normal bidrag as set by statsforvaltning. Any extra payments are then optional by me and based on a much more satisfactory agreement to the Samvær.


Initially we agreed zero days. I made clear in the first letter the reasons why I did this. I cannot accept accusations of rejection. They decided zero days and even your own mother had a meeting with them to decide if that was what they really wanted. It’s actually really hard to live in a foreign country, alone, in the house you used to share with your family, knowing your children are 500m up the road and you’re not allowed to see them. I hope you never get to experience that. I had hoped the children would change their mind by themselves, but now I have to accept that there may be some influencing your side to eliminate my role in the children’s lives. This is also evidenced by the ignoring of the visit of my own mother, their grandmother, so soon after the death of her husband of 50 years, their own grandfather.

I cannot accept the accusations of violence, unless you’re willing to accept mutual accusations and in the same way that I’d like to avoid this turning into a personal slanging match by, for example, questioning the acceptability of childcare from people you’ve previously labelled negatively.

I also cannot accept the christmas present accusations. Christmas presents are not a right, but a privilege and {son} was the only one who showed any willingness to see me at that time. Hence he got a gift as a token of my appreciation. If you want to be petty, having the fees to go to private school feels more like a “gift worth giving” then consumer goods that end up in the bin after a few months. Let’s not forget that {3rd daughter} and {1st daughter} have both subsequently received birthday presents of monetary value since from me at my choice.

As to the children not wanting to ever see me again, let’s not forget that I was very supportive when you had a major car crash and took all 4 children out to Jensen’s bøfhus at my own expense and try to rebuild bonds. Why did they come with me if they hate me so much? By keeping me at arms length, are you not creating and growing this image of me as something negative, or have they become so shallow that a free trip to jensens is appealing even if you have to spend it with someone you hate? Either way, the primary care giver would have some responsibility in that.

One thing I can agree on is that the children will not benefit from this kind of negative confrontation amongst the people they love the most, their parents? I’d prefer it not to be so, but I see no other way than to resort to the machinations of the state, to achieve fairness in all aspects of this – A fair deal between a mother, a father and 4 children who all used to live happily in the same house, once upon a time.


As per previous letter.

I would also remind you that I am willing to be flexible, because I think it benefits us both, where I have work commitments, you have your own commitments, socially and unusual shifts that can cover evenings, nights and weekends, that lead to you utilising your mother as a babysitter including long weekends sometimes. It seems logical to me that we could work out an extremely good deal that benefits us all.

I would also remind you that the two youngest girls have a lot of friends around {dad’s} house. I am sure that they could use the time very productively here to rebuild their own friendships instead of the negativity you associate with me. Again, I apologise for what I did to you {Mum}, but we shouldn’t use the children as a tool in that.

I suggest we discuss this tomorrow, if you wish, and I will begin the submission to statsforvaltning Tuesday 1st August if no deal is reached.