Complaint from Father to Mother

juli 15, 2019 0 Af admin

{Dad} and {Mum} decided to separate in 2016 following {Dad} having an affair. They have 4 children, {Eldest daughter}, {Son}, {2nd daughter} and {3rd daughter}. The affair is not denied. They had previously lived together at {home} and {Dad} had been a fully involved father with the children. {Mum} remained in the house until October 2016, with {Dad}, while she found her new ideal accommodation.

What was Agreed

1) When the split was first announced to the children, {Dad} accepted that there was likely to be a period of anger and resentment towards his role in the split. This led to {Dad} accepting their alone time and initial decision to spend zero days with him, even though he hoped and expected them to gradually change their minds as time went on.
2) It was agreed and signed upon that the first rule is that the children decided upon everything themselves. Hence also accepting the zero days desire to see {Dad} initially
3) A much higher than normal børnebidrag payment was agreed to cover private school fees and school trips. {Dad} believed it key to invest in a better future life for his children beyond that expected by the state, even if it leaves him with less for his personal expenses.

What has happened since

1) {Dad} has paid all børnebidrag without issue. Including {Dad} voluntarily upgrading the basic payment in line with the statsforvaltning basic børnebidrag amounts for 2017.
2) As of 23/7/17, the children are still not in any formal contact with their father, aside from 2 days out of 14 for {Son}. Attempts by {Dad} to contact his children via messaging applications (proposed by {Mum}) are either ignored or claimed not to have arrived.
3) There has been at least one occasion when the personal wishes of the child were overridden by {Mum}. {Son} decided, upon hearing that {Dad}’s mother, sister and nephew were coming in July/August 2017, that he wanted to stay with {Dad} all days they were visiting. {Dad} was subsequently told by {Mum} some weeks later that as she had a
holiday planned this would not be acceptable to her. This goes against part of the initial agreement signed by both parties for division of assets and children. Note, as of 23/7, there is still no actually holiday planned on the dates in question
4) {Mum} has been very vocal on saying that {Son} would not be allowed to come and stay at any point during the christmas and school holidays. It was not clear to {Dad} that he had agreed to this at the time. In event, he has been allowed only 1 day with his son in the 6 week school holiday period and that after repeatedly asking
5) {Dad} was very keen that his children at least spend some time with his mother, sister and nephew during their forthcoming August 2017 visit and communicated this to {Mum} many times. She has been insistent that the children do not wish to see them, despite previously having had a close relationship on the occasions they have spent time together, {Dad}’s parents even visiting Denmark and stayed at the family house for {Son}’s confirmation in May 2016. Considering that the grandfather died in December 2016, this is a very unpleasant matter to have to deal with for a grandmother who has just lost her husband after 50 years of marriage and who they may never get to see ever again.
6) In addition with (4), {Mum}’s sole proposal has been that the grandmother could have a visit to the children’s new home, with {Mum} present to oversee the visit. This leads to suggestions of wishing to exert control over the children.
7) {Dad} had been given a book called “Far Fortælle” for a christmas present and was told at the time that the children were keen to see what he wrote. To show he missed them a lot and wanted them to know about their past on his side of the family, he spent many hours completing the book thoroughly and posted it as a gift to their house in July 2017. {Mum} retrieved the book from the post box and hid it, along with a letter begging the children to consider meeting his mother. This was all against {Dad}’s wishes. Even now, 3 of the children have not seen the book, only {Son}, at {Dad}’s insistence. He reported back having enjoyed reading it
8) All of this sends a clear message that {Mum} is determined to block any involvement by {Dad} in his children’s lives and perhaps even trying to enforce a message she wishes to present of him not caring or wanting to be involved, much like the relationship she enjoyed with her own father.

New proposals

The voluntary extra børnebidrag to cover school fees and trips is no longer commensurate with {Dad}’s personal circumstances or the amount of access afforded by the current terms.
Børnebidrag to be reduced to normal level in line with his income.
The children should all begin to immediately stay with {Dad} for a minimum of 72 hours/3 days out of every 14, with a review to increase it to 5 days out of 14 in three months time and a further review to increase it to 7 and divide all care equally 3 months from then. Such days as yet to be decided and agreed.
The existing practice decided upon and employed by {Mum} alone of delegating care of the children to members of her family without informing {Dad}, or leaving the children unattended for nightshifts and weekend work is to end. For example, the two full weekends around July
16th and 23rd, when {Mum} had personal activities planned and the children were moved to their Maternal grandmother’s home for 2-3 nights each, without {Dad} having any awareness or say in what was occurring. From now on, all such leaves of care by {Mum} should be informed to {Dad} as early as possible and if he is able to, he should have first option of the children staying with him.
It is completely unacceptable for a father who is missing his children (yet still trying to have an involvement) to find that the mother has decided to delegate this

It is completely unacceptable for a father who is missing his children (yet still trying to have an involvement) to find that the mother has decided to delegate this care to a third party instead of the father himself. There may be other occasions of care delegation {Dad} is unaware of, as he only discovered these coincidentally when chatting to {son}.

If {mother} has the power to approve or veto any access by {Dad} and his sole living grandparent and sisters, then {Dad} should have the same power to veto or approve access to the children by {mother}’s grandparent and sisters and be notified of every time such access occurs.

{Dad} will of course adjust his working practices and travel to fit in with new improved circumstances.

{Dad} is still prepared to be flexible on any terms, if for example it is necessary to switch access dates or times due to work commitments or holidays planned. It may also be to {mother}’s benefit to agree {Dad} having days that fit her nightshifts where the children were previously left alone.

What happens next?

If not in agreement with any of this, meeting requests to discuss revised “børnebidrag” and “samvær” with statsforvaltning are proposed for August 2017.

Please reply to this letter by 1st August 2017, so we know how to progress.